Working things out...so so day

hey its another screwed up day in the life of whitney...
I am sitting her without meaning or purpose to life. My husband hates me because I'm "not spending time with him", and I'm selfish and rude. I guess I'm really the only one who understands where I'm coming from. I just lost the person that I was closest with after putting my life on hold for her for 9 months and now she is gone and I think he just thinks that I can snap right out of loosing them. But of course it doesn't work like that. Everyone thinks that if you have been there and slowly are watching someone die over a period of time you would think that it would be easier to cope with the death... WRONG!!! For me it is like 100x harder for me to cope with my grama being gone. I was the one she depended on all of the time I wanted time to spend with others but at the same time I didn't trust anyone to take care of her. No one knew what they were doing and so why try and go out when I was going to get 100 calls asking me how to do things. I guess you could kind of compare it to loosing a baby though I have never experienced it I feel to me the best comparison. That little thing depends on you for everything and you grow close and bond and there are rough times but you make it through adapt and figure things out. As well when you have a baby you feel a sense of purpose to your life how I did while taking care of grama. I was the only one that could help her no one else was there to help. Its really a lot like being a single parent with a newborn... once again never experienced it just the closest thing I could think of to compare it to. But if your baby dies don't you feel lost and forgotten and just a whole bunch of feelings all wrapped up into one. I feel like I'm nothing right now. My only reason for going on was my husband and my grama... My grama is now passed so my baby that has depended on me for everything is now gone and I don't know where to go from here... and my husband hates me because I can't go and do anything I don't even want to try what is the point. I need to find a new purpose in life. Where some one needs me to help... Hopefully things will start to work themselves out. or I'm afraid for the worst. Well sorry for being a bummer just needed to get things off my chest. Love everyone and have a good day.